29 June, 2010

A look at my own past

If I had to speak words, right now, instead of type on this keyboard, I could not, because of the choked up feelings and tears. The notorious verbose chatterer that I am, given to digression with ease, I cannot find the words, for this, right now. Not any that I want, that begin to convey my feelings, my response, my emotions, having read this. Yes, thank you for writing it, but "thank you" seems so - inadequate. One last thing, I recollect the first time I got an HIV test. It was the early 1980s. I had sudden weight loss. Ultimately, it was because of having been so obsessed with my weight, that I purged myself too much with laxatives, got symptoms, and self-medicated with a health store brand of potassium, only to make things worse. By the time my doctor saw me, I had a notable weight loss of a sudden 10 pound drop, and bizarre cardiac rhythms. I suspected it was that, but didn't have to courage to tell her. Knowing I was gay, she said "I think it's about time to test for HIV." I started to cry, quietly. I was also seeing a counselor back then, to help me cope with being gay. I remember telling her that if I was positive, I was going to commit suicide, and how. I had it all figured out, in detail. I also added, very calculatedly, "And there's absolutely nothing you can do about it, to stop me. You have to let me leave your office, today." She asked "Why?" and I said, "Because by law, I have to be a danger to myself, and/or to others, for you to commit me, and this moment, I am not actively a danger to either myself, or others." She paused, stared me down, and said, "You're right." I knew, that week, that if it was positive, that I was going to do it, because I feared facing an AIDS-related death. Of coping with fundamentalist parents who disapproved of all-things-gay. In retrospect, I knew that fear, only for me, that fear could not stop the test, but drive me over the cliff, if I was indeed, positive. Despite being positive now, diagnosed in 2002, I am glad that did not pan out that way, back in the 1980s. I would have missed out on a lot of life, and much with family and friends, that was yet to come.

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