29 June, 2010
If I had to speak words, right now, instead of type on this keyboard, I could not, because of the choked up feelings and tears. The notorious verbose chatterer that I am, given to digression with ease, I cannot find the words, for this, right now. Not any that I want, that begin to convey my feelings, my response, my emotions, having read this. Yes, thank you for writing it, but "thank you" seems so - inadequate. One last thing, I recollect the first time I got an HIV test. It was the early 1980s. I had sudden weight loss. Ultimately, it was because of having been so obsessed with my weight, that I purged myself too much with laxatives, got symptoms, and self-medicated with a health store brand of potassium, only to make things worse. By the time my doctor saw me, I had a notable weight loss of a sudden 10 pound drop, and bizarre cardiac rhythms. I suspected it was that, but didn't have to courage to tell her. Knowing I was gay, she said "I think it's about time to test for HIV." I started to cry, quietly. I was also seeing a counselor back then, to help me cope with being gay. I remember telling her that if I was positive, I was going to commit suicide, and how. I had it all figured out, in detail. I also added, very calculatedly, "And there's absolutely nothing you can do about it, to stop me. You have to let me leave your office, today." She asked "Why?" and I said, "Because by law, I have to be a danger to myself, and/or to others, for you to commit me, and this moment, I am not actively a danger to either myself, or others." She paused, stared me down, and said, "You're right." I knew, that week, that if it was positive, that I was going to do it, because I feared facing an AIDS-related death. Of coping with fundamentalist parents who disapproved of all-things-gay. In retrospect, I knew that fear, only for me, that fear could not stop the test, but drive me over the cliff, if I was indeed, positive. Despite being positive now, diagnosed in 2002, I am glad that did not pan out that way, back in the 1980s. I would have missed out on a lot of life, and much with family and friends, that was yet to come.
20 June, 2010
The father of my childhood was not a great man. He was a good man, but not great. Or more accurately, not a great father. He deemed fatherhood equated to being the breadwinner, and that child-rearing was the mother's job. This, along with some derision, snide comments, and marital discord between mama and father, things did not go too well. Granted, we were never beaten, nor scared of him, he never drank or gambled his income away. The number of times mother would frantically tell him "Dad, they don't want 'things'! They want YOU!" only to have him stare at her, blank, and confused, I cannot count. Due to the marital discord, alleged infidelity according to mama, and a slow but clear despising from father toward mama, I grew up hating him, as a teenager, and a young adult. Things happened, as time went on, and fences got mended, that I thought never could. Father woke up to what he had and had not done, and diligently set to making things right, with the patience of Job. In due course of time, I forgave him, and realized that I really did love him. Father died, December 5, 1996. The man I grieved for, and still miss, is not the man who raised me, but a far better man. A man of honor, dignity, and respect. A man who honors his word. Yet, the depth of that only came to my understanding after he died. It was between when he died, and well before mama died (August 4, 1998), because she was still in her Marion apartment, not in Loris yet, near me. I had driven over for a visit. Enough time had passed, that we could chatter about the past, without breaking into tears, and chatter we did. For some reason, I recollected a time a friend borrowed my car, lent it to an acquaintance, who drove around drunk in it all night, that it was "stolen" from me, back then, and got retrieved that night, via the police, all while mama was in ICU. She was floored, for she had no idea at all. This intrigued me, and I pressed further on that point, explaining that yes, father had promised me that he would never tell her, but that I thought surely by now he had done so. Mama paused, and with a clear expression of calm certainty that only decades of living with someone can bring, said to me, "Let me tell you something about your father! If he promised to never tell me, then those words would never part his lips, and he would take it to his grave with him!" - which is exactly what my father had done. Suddenly, I saw my father in an entirely new light. He has such massive dignity, integrity, respect, honor, and was a man of truth who honored his word. More then ever before, I was proud of my father, and proud to be his son. My only regret is, I learned of this after he died. Robert Meek Loris SC
08 June, 2010
Having had this done, once or twice in my life, I can tell you this, despite most of what he says tongue-in-cheek being very true, it is still exceedingly preferable to a Barium Enema. Now that is torture! ABOUT THE WRITER Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour columnist for the Miami Herald. Colonoscopy Journal: I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP MY BEHIND' I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons!!). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologise to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked. Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you ! got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house. When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realised that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ. On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!' 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?' 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?' 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.' 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?' 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..' 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!' 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!' 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.' 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?' 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.' And the best one of all: 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
07 June, 2010
A penny saved is a government oversight. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. He who hesitates is probably right. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs' Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth. AMEN!
06 June, 2010
God said, 'Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me.' Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?' God said, 'Go down Into that valley.' Adam said, 'What's a Valley?' God explained it to Him. Then God said, 'Cross the river.' Adam said, 'What's a River?' God explained that To him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....' Adam said, 'What is a Hill?' So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, 'On The other side of the Hill you will find a Cave.' Adam said, 'What's a Cave?' After God explained, He said, 'In the cave You will find a woman.' Adam said, 'What's a Woman?' So God explained That to him, too. Then, God said, 'I Want you to Reproduce.' Adam said, 'How do I do that?' God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....' And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well. So, Adam goes down Into the valley, Across the river, and Over the hill, into the Cave, and finds the Woman. Then, in about five Minutes, he was back. God, His patience Wearing thin, said Angrily, 'What is it Now?' And Adam said.... * * (YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!!!!!) * * * * * 'What's a headache?'
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!) Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it. Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years... A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes. Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake. Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning. Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.. Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.. Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment. Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget. Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily. Q.. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries. Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy. Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.. Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom. Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A.. Marty Allen: Only after lights out. Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark? Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.. Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army. Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected. Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant? Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet. Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP LAUGHING
02 June, 2010
On a Sears hairdryer - Do not use while sleeping. On a bag of Fritos - You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. On a bar of Dial soap - Directions: Use like regular soap. On some Swanson frozen dinners - Serving suggestion: Defrost. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) - Do not turn upside down. On "Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - Product will be hot after heating. Oh packaging for a Rowenta iron - Do not iron clothes on body. On Boot's Chidren Cough Medicine - Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medicine. On Nytol Sleep Aid - Warning: May cause drowsiness. On most brands of Christmas lights - For indoor or outdoor use only. On a Japanese food processor - Not to be used for the other use. On Sainsbury's peanuts - Warnings: contains nuts. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts. On a child's Superman constume - Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. On a Swedish chainsaw - Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.